The slow bloom of believing myself

I did not grow up trusting myself.

As a very young child I likely had a self-trust that startled the adults around me. I was told I was “bossy” as a child. Aka what they call young girls who know their truth and are not afraid to share it.

But, by the time I was six years old that was gone. It had been replaced by the social mandate to fit in, belong, and secure safety as a dependent. I learned to sacrifice my connection to my inner guidance in order to appease the people around me. As a highly sensitive sponge, I learned to soak up the energy of everything around me, and no one taught me that I could put that energy somewhere else.

So, I kept it. In my body. In my aura. I soaked and stored. And by the time I was in high school I could barely hear myself, and I no longer wanted to live. I was an extremely sensitive, creative woman full of invalidation and self-criticism.

And then I had a spiritual awakening. I was 19 and suddenly, I was aware of just how sensitive I was. Just how much I didn’t fit in to regular, mainstream society. I took a leap of faith and decided I wanted to experiment with trusting myself, even if all I could hear was an inner whisper. I dropped out of a prestigious university and began walking an alternative, spiritual path. Thus began my journey to reclaim my intuition, my self trust, and the self love I felt so naturally as a young child.

Thirteen years have passed since then. I have explored the ins and the outs of the spiritual community. I have meditated, I have done somatic inquiry, I have spent days alone in the wilderness. I have deeply apprenticed myself to psychic development & the art of listening to myself, seeing energy, and learning to communicate with the world of spirit. I have been betrayed and deeply supported by spiritual teachers. I have slowly built a trust in my intuition and myself that guides my life & is there, even on the hard days.

I do not experience regular self doubt. And, if I do experience self doubt, I know exactly the energy mechanics of why that is happening & what to do about it.

Younger pictures of myself pop up on my Facebook Memories. Eighteen year old me. Twenty three year old me. And I see the radiance of youth blooming in her. Bursting from her. And underneath that I remember how unsteady I felt. How deeply unsure of myself I was. How much I looked outside of myself for my answers, for my power, for love.

Photos like this one ;)

I whisper to her in those moments (because she lives in me still!), “wait until you see who you become. Wait until you see how much we trust ourselves now. How loving we are to ourselves.”

I wrote a poem that I quoted in an artsy video I created & shared on Youtube years ago that goes “gentle, gentle bird. be careful with the fire knives aimed at your insides. something reeks but it is not mine.”

I was just so used to living life with fire knives aimed at my insides. I was so used to living life with a heavy, critical inner voice that would not go away. I was so used to second guessing everything a million times. It is astounding to me today that that is no longer my experience. That my inner dialogue is so loving, trusting, patient and caring towards myself.

I want this for every woman. I want this for every girl. I want this for every soul who wants this. I know because this has been my own path… that it is possible. It is possible to take the inherited self-doubt and turn it into golden confidence. It is possible to find yourself & your own truth as a highly sensitive woman, even in a world that is so loud and chaotic and intense.

I did not grow up trusting myself, but I trust myself now.

Tell me reader, do you struggle to trust your inner knowing? Do you override it only then to figure out days or weeks later that you were actually right? Do you notice a critical inner voice who speaks to you harsher than you would speak to a child? Are you also on a journey of learning to trust & be kinder to yourself?

I would love to know <3

~ Fēnix