Trusting the return of light
There was a period of time this past winter where it felt like the darkness had consumed me.
I was afraid of every little signal I was receiving from my body; her rashes, hives, sharp or dull pains, brain fog, seemingly random symptoms popping up out of nowhere.
It felt like I was going crazy. Each new communication sent me into a mini panic spiral— and what was beneath it all: a deep seated fear that I wasn’t going to make it. That I would never find an environment that wouldn’t trigger my reactions and that I would never heal. This would be the end for me.
My partner watched me wade through this minefield of fear in my space and held my hand through it. His concerned eyes reflecting back to me how far I had strayed from my usual baseline.
My world became small. And smaller. And smaller. Until it was so small that I barely fit into my life anymore.
There were many things that initiated a turning point for me.
It was a remembrance of a time I had felt utterly hopeless in relationship to some extreme period pain that came and went every month, leaving me debilitated.
Ironically but not ironically if you understand astrology, I had also been living on the west coast of the USA (along my Chiron IC line) during this time. On February 2nd, a day of significance for my Polish ancestors who celebrate the growing light with a gromnica, or a ritual candle that is a symbolic embodiment of a female deity who protects from thunder among other things, I lit a gromnica and set a fiery intention that I would heal this pain— no matter what. And I did one year later.
It was a dawning of awareness in my space that most of this fear was, of course, not mine.
It was the support and care of loved ones, trusted psychic friends, and health practitioners who each gave me something that helped me take my next step.
And mostly— it was mid January of this year. The light beginning to grow longer each day, although still quite far off to days of extended sunshine, and I decided that I was going to have faith. That I was going to choose to trust my process.
I sat in psychic meditation that morning and created a pathway of faith for myself. A co-collaboration between me and God/Source/Creator/etc; one that said, hello, I want to believe it is possible to heal. I want an experience of faith and trust.
Dreaming into that possibility; just daring to believe that it was possible enough to want it. And then using my imagination to create it and see it out in front of me. Set the wheels in motion for me.
A few weeks later faith started to bloom in my life. I began to see my way out of the darkness. And I began to experience healing.
I am writing this to you the day before the Spring Equinox and will likely publish it on the Spring Equinox. There is a hope that vibrates at this time of year as the light more fully returns. You can see it in people’s faces, auras, and moods. A lightness; a joy.
I see why the ancients called this time of year a rebirth. There is a renewal that happens as the sun grows in her strength; no longer just a baby seedling but a sprout ready to take on the world. There is a waking up that happens as winter ends.
I have been thinking a lot about the role of faith in the healing process lately.
Yes, because it has been my most recent personal experience. And also because once I turned my awareness to that frequency, I started to see it everywhere.
When you don’t have faith, the darkness is just the darkness for no reason or end in sight. But trust opens a doorway of light that leads you to dream of something else possible.
People talk about this in various ways— it was a ‘mindset shift’ that helped them change, or a religion or a moment of “meeting and finding God”. Energetically, what is occurring when I have observed many different people from various walks of life talk about these turning point moments in their own healing process is that they have all allowed more light to pour into their space — they have connected with the truth of their soul. This is always what a healing is. An act of coming home and transformation. Greater light in the body. More *you* in your body.
No supplement, physical detox practice, diet, exercise plan, or physical location makes this change for you. They help and can definitely be a part of the path, but the change happens on an energetic level first— the healing begins when you are able to make this shift to let in more light.
When you have found your way to the frequency of your truth, instead of being stuck in the darkness of what is a lie in your space (which is often, as I teach in my work— someone else’s energy in your space)…
When you return home to yourself, your own energy… that is when healing and change occur. Regardless of how you arrive there and through whose help.
As I have come out of the hyper vigilant state where one’s vision becomes increasingly narrow… I have started to orient and look around more neutrally at the world around me, and I notice that a lot of people are going through a lot of fear (and control) these days.
People are navigating various health challenges or increased fear about their own or their loved ones survival because of politics or impending social collapse.
It’s an incredibly growth-full time to be on planet Earth, as the Earth and humanity are going through massive amounts of change, and I observe that a lot of people aren’t really feeling *safe* to be here. They aren’t feeling safe amidst all of the change.
This makes sense. And in these times, when so much is changing, I notice that people are craving something to anchor into— a stability that helps you move through turbulent times.
In a world where there is a lot of hopelessness or uncertainty about the future, people want to believe in something. They desire faith, and this desire can also lead people to being susceptible to mass illusions or cult-like groups. People are looking for faith in a time of uncertainty but faith is simply trust in someone or something — it matters who and what you are putting your faith in. Your trust is precious.
In astrology, Jupiter is the planet of faith, abundance, and blessings. He represents our beliefs, life philosophy, and our ability to expand and grow. His shadow is excess or an exaggerated self-importance. Too much of anything can often grow into something unhelpful. For example, too much faith without any level of critical thinking can lead you to trusting someone who doesn’t deserve your trust.
Like I’ve shared, faith is critical for a healing process. It is often a turning point. And, being discerning about faith is also a good idea— especially in this time on Earth!
As we arrive at what the Welsh call “Alban Eilir”, or the Spring Equinox, with the direct translation being “the light of the Earth”, I wonder what you are placing your faith in these days?
What light is returning to your life and your cells?
As I shared in my own example from earlier this year, dreams give us direction. What dreams do you hope to fuel with the energies of faith and trust this spring and summer? What are you feeling bold enough to risk believing in?
For yes, we are in a pivotal moment of messy transformation here on this planet we share. But it is always darkest before the dawn. I hope that what you find that fuels you and gives you faith in the process can light your path these coming years… and guide you through any cycles of darkness.
For isn’t that what being on Earth is all about? Cycles of light and dark, light and dark. Over and over again.
Blessed Spring Equinox, friend!