how fantasy will kill your relationship

I have a pattern of choosing partners from a place of who they want to be - who I see they could be - instead of who they actually are.

This always ends up killing the relationship.

Because I’m not able to see this person in present time. I’m in relationship with a fantasy version of them - instead of the actual one.

I’ve had this experience after breaking up with ex’s, where it’s like suddenly my rose colored classes come off.

The fantasy shatters and how I see them is starkly different. I see them for who/where they are right now.

And- it can be disturbing.

Every person is lovable and worthy where they are. Everyone has their own path.

But to be my intimate partner- I have boundaries. I have agreements I’d like to be met in. Not just anybody gets that kind of place in my life.

But I have allowed just anybody.

Because I’ve been fixated on the image this person projects of who they could be - who they want to be.

Who I want them to be.

And I believe that instead of looking at what their actions and day to day behavior actually say about where they are right now.

When I look beneath this pattern- there’s a lot of childhood stuff for me.

I didn’t learn to love myself as I was.

I didn’t learn to have discernment.

I learned that my boundaries weren’t important; my energy wasn’t sacred.

That I better just accept whoever chose me because I am deeply unlovable, and so I better settle- even if that means settling for abuse or not getting all of my needs met.

I have since learned (the hard way) what a bunch of bullshit that actually is.

And I’ve focused on seeing *myself* clearly.

Can I own and have all of me?

My brilliance? My mess?

My seriously wounded shadow parts.
My depth of healed maturity.

Can I have all of me?

Because another pattern I’ve noticed in my relationships- is actually how much of a lack of true intimacy there has been.

The fantasy of intimacy says I need to hide parts of myself in order to be loved.

And I’ve done that. I’ve seen that really reflected in some of my ex’s too. Keeping secrets out of shame.

That’s not true intimacy. That will kill a relationship.

I’m here to choose honesty with myself and with others. And to allow myself to be seen, penetrated- by life.

I’d much rather be open- than closed and hiding in shame.

My shadows do not make me, me. They do not define me.

I am not good, I am not bad. I am lovable as I am, just because.

I know that carrying this into future partnerships will completely change the game for me.

Going forward, I can be honest right away about who I am, who I’m not, what I need, what I don’t tolerate in relationships.

And I can choose to see the other person in present time. Without all of this projection of who I want them to be or who they want to be.

But actually - are they right now someone I could choose without them needing to change major aspects of themselves or their behavior?

If I can see myself clearly, I can see another clearly. If I’m willing to be seen, I can see whether another can meet me in that or if they are invested in hiding because of shame.

My partner doesn’t get to be a healing project I feel victimized by anymore. I’m done with that.

Written April 2022

Sebastopol, CA