my grandmother’s uterus

Blood has started to rush from my body. Today I am thinking a lot about my nana, and how blood rushed so much from her body, that she was unable to leave the house for five days a month.

The blood was rushing so much from her womb, that they told her she had to get her uterus removed, because it was a danger for her to be losing so much blood.

I can’t help but think: what needed to leave her body so badly that it was coming out in these bloody waterfalls, bloody cascades? What needed to leave but couldn’t? got stuck, was stuck, and so her body (very intelligently) orchestrated these cascades of rushing blood to try and get it out. What was it?

I suppose it is in me now.

That is how I think about it.

When I was last with my grandmother, I got my period.

I was all dressed up and ready to go out to dinner with them and then the blood came, and I couldn’t.

I lay on the bed, rocking myself back and forth because of the pain, moaning, waiting for the pain medication to kick in.

She comes into the room with concern written all in aura and through short, inhaled gasps, calls me by my full name (and an elaborate version of it that only she uses) and asks me if I am okay.

I say no, Nana, I am not okay. I have my period. It really hurts.

She gets more concerned and mutters something about my mom and my aunt never getting it like this.

I wonder if she remembers what it was like for her.

When I say I suppose it is in me now, I am talking about intergenerational trauma.

I am thinking about how, genetically, my body was present in my grandmother’s body in some capacity when she was bleeding that much and when she was giving birth to my mother. From womb- to womb- the cells that made me were passed down. And as a soul, I breathed life into them when I was born.

Since my grandmother was told by mainstream society that the best way to deal with the challenges she was facing with her body and her blood was to have her uterus rejected, I do not believe that whatever it was that was trying to get out of her body fully healed.

A hysterectomy is a temporary solution. Although, it is the most common surgery in the so-called U.S. for women. As many as 600,000 American women have hysterectomies each year. Why are they taking our uteruses and where are they taking our uteruses is what I want to know.

I fully believe that whatever was plaguing my nana and her body is directly connected to my challenges with my own blood. The debilitating pain. The naseau. The loss of so much.

She couldn’t heal it, and so now I will. and I fully intend to. Because who knows how long this trauma has been impacting my blood-line.

Who knows how long it has been since someone incarnated with the awareness to be able to slow down, listen, and lean in to the pain. Extend a hand to my uterus. Get support in holding space for it all. bit by bit, begin to learn her story and witness her in her dissolve.

I vow to learn from this pain and to set it free. I vow to befriend my uterus and initiate healing, for my nana, and all those who have come before her, and for all those who will come after me. We will heal.

From the archives, September 2019

Update: I did heal this, and my period is no longer stressful and painful :)