navigating relationship endings

To know when something is dying and to tend to it’s death is one of the greatest acts of love and surrender.

It takes so much fucking humility to surrender to Death.

And I feel this so much, every time I navigate a relational Death.

The relationship is no longer serving in the way it was, and it’s time for it to transition into something else...

And parts of me have resisted this so much.

I’ve spent *SO MUCH* time in my past intimate relationships, resisting when they were dying , changing , becoming something else.

I spent months , even years clinging. Holding on. Not wanting it to be true. Wanting it to stay the same as it was.

Resisting my own growth. Or matching someone else’s resistance to their growth 🙃...

But Truth always prevails.

What is not true will always crumble and give way to what is True.

And surrendering to the Truth, takes a lot of humility and ultimately - receptivity and trust.

So, this time when Death came knocking at the door of my relationship with my intimate partner...

I surrendered. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. Because I’m not willing to live a lie, and I’m not willing to live a life that isn’t mine.

I cried, I wailed, I screamed... I’m allowing myself to FEEL my own emotions fully, while releasing what is not mine to feel.

Anger. Grief. Heartbreak. Fear. Joy. Relief.

It’s really all here. I feel so humbled by my humanness lately.

And I did what I had to do to honor Truth in myself, which was tend to the funeral of the relationship and transition it.

So much in me didn’t want this. Didn’t want to take this step.

It’s unbelievably scary. It’s deeply painful.

And I have such a steadfast commitment to honor myself and my growth... which inevitably honors others and their own growth journeys... even if that means ending what was.

This path of self transformation , self empowerment is not for the faint of heart.

It will take you into the depths of your down, which is always in relationship with the depths of your up. It will require you to feel it all.

And I choose it. Again and again.

Because for me, living a life of Truth and self love is the only way.

I surrendered so much quicker this time.

It only took Death gently but persistently knocking for me to get on my knees and relinquish control.

Because I know the pain and suffering caused from resisting Her... and how it’s futile even in the end. I’ve done that. I’ve learned.

And even in the heart break... I’m able to see how me surrendering quicker, allows for sweetness and grace in the process.

It has allowed me to be more clear, more present, more grounded in a conscious uncoupling process than I ever have before.

I’m grieving the end of a relationship, yes. But I’m really grieving the end of who I have been in that relationship. I’m letting go of old versions of me. Comfort zones and lies and ways I kept myself small, are all falling away.

I’m updating my agreements with myself. And it’s huge.

You can’t outrun Death. And really- why would you try? On the other end of Death is always new life, sacred beginning.

Trembling hope. Creative possibility. I’m doing my best to remind myself of that as I’m letting Death in.

Embracing the cyclical dance of Life and choosing myself and my deepest embodiment and healing over and over again.

Written January 2022

Sebastopol, CA