saturn return lessons

I have always jumped from one intimate relationship to the next.

I’ve never been “single”, or without a romantic/sexual partner or hook up or whatever for longer than maybe a few weeks? Since I was 16.

I’ve used relationships and people to numb my pain.

I’ve never FULLY grieved, or paused to learn after a relationship ended. I’ve done it in smaller ways that I could at the time.

I remember this one very karmic longer term relationship I had years ago. It was so hard to let go of, and then when I felt like I was forced to... I was haunted by this feeling of missing them for years.

Literal years. Like I was in new relationships, but I would still have this wallowing feeling that would come up every so often- of missing them.

And really- what’s underneath that- is some deep attachment grief that has nothing to do with that person.

But I avoided it. It hung around... because I never gave myself space to really feel it.

(Also, I had not yet properly energetically uncoupled from this ex, and that can have the effect of having them to continue to be in my space too).

Now I find myself single for the first time in 12 years. I’ve been single for a little over a month.

And I’m committed to giving this space to myself. As an act of love.

To feel. To grieve, fully.

To allow the break up to take me all the way down. Into my underworld. Which it most certainly is.

I’m becoming aware of all of these abandoned + unintegrated parts of me. Hiding down here.

And so much grief.

It’s not even really about my most recent ex. It’s about me - and my relationship with me.

I’m grieving the loss of my ex but so much more than just that loss.

And I’m allowing myself to be unraveled by it. Everything is changing.

I’m going to stay with this as long as I need to.

Because I know that in this process, I am building something that can never be taken away from me.

I’m building a relationship with myself of deep inner security and nourishment.

No more entering relationships out of scarcity. Or loneliness. Or because I don’t feel good by myself. Or habit.

No.

When I enter an intimate relationship next... it will be from a place of deep, integrated wholeness. That will only expand and deepen within the container of that relationship.

I won’t need them.

I will want them.

There’s a difference.

I never would have said before this that I was “needing” people. But it was just all of these unconscious parts. They were running the show more than I was aware.

And it’s my responsibility to lovingly integrate them.

Saturn is working me. It’s been the peak of my saturn return, and my saturn is in my 7th house of intimate partnerships.

I’m learning how to be more responsible in the intimate partnership I have with myself...

So I can have that externally reflected when I’m ready.

I’m here for it.

Written February 2022

Sebastopol, CA